My Eating Disorder

I’m currently working on a psychology degree, and in one of my courses we learned about eating disorders. This information wasn’t news to me as I learned a lot about them in my kinesology degree, but it struck a chord because I forgot I had one.

The summer before grade 11, I was suddenly struck with a pang in my heart. It scared me, so I vowed to get into shape and started running. There were attempts made in the past to get fit, though I’d stop because I was worried about drawing attention to my efforts. I was an anxious teenager from being bullied, so any sort of attention was horrifying to me.

Despite this, I began running 10 laps around my house every day (acreage). I played with my dog outside. In the school year I gained new friends who were supportive and fun, and I started to become successful in school.

With this I thought, “If working hard will get me the grades I want, I could do the same with my weight.”

I calculated the amount of calories I needed to consume everyday to be 120 pounds. In my head 120 was model weight, and if I could get there, I could wear the cool clothes I wanted, and people would be more inclined to like me. The calculator spit out 800 kcal. To put that into perspective, a “normal” daily intake is 2000 kcal/day. I probably consume around 2500-3000 kcal/day depending on my activity levels.

So with this new goal in mind I began fasting most of the day, and exercised excessively. The worst of it occurred during the summer before grade 12. I would wake up in the morning, have a bagel and a banana, run with my dog, swim in our above ground pool, suntan, have a half bagel and carrots for lunch, eat a granola bar, run with my dog more, have small portions at dinner, eat a small desert, and then run 5k.

I went to bed starving. This feeling was synonymous with success. It meant my body would burn fat, and I would wake up skinny.

Fridays were ‘cheat days’ and I could eat whatever the hell I wanted. On these days I would eat 3 days worth of food in a 5 hour span. I’m talking about a whole bag of chips, chocolate bars, half a large pizza, jumbo bags of M&Ms etc. etc.

I would feel so liberated on these days, but also deeply ashamed. I would stare in the full-length mirror in my bathroom, pull the fat on my hips back, and curse my eating decisions. The next morning I would exercise all day, eating maybe 400 kcal to make up for my binge.

Eventually got to 120 and my lightest was 118. I lost my period, I had terrible mood swings, and worst of all I was upset with all the fat I could see.

In grade 12, my strict control began to slip. I was bingeing more. Just eating a couple unplanned cookies which would set off another binge. This made me gain weight.

I still have my journal from those days. Everyday I wrote, “I need to get to my summer belt loop. I need to be better. I need to stop cheating.” There were parts where I insulted myself, and wondered why I didn’t have the discipline to get back to 120. I got my drivers licence photo after particularly bad week of bingeing. I broke down seeing it because the 130 pound 17-year-old smiling in the photo looked like a 200 pound one. Needless to say, I had body image distortion.

Eventually I learned that what I was doing was unhealthy in university. My health education instructor made us keep a journal about aspects of our well-being. It helped me realize how unhealthy my eating disorder was, and slowly I began eating more balanced diets. Eventually as my metabolism normalized, and I leaned out.

To say I am over my body image issues would be a lie. There are days where I hate my body and wish I could lose weight. However, I am better at challenging my distorted thoughts. Sometimes I eat bad and feel bad, but its not the end. I just eat better the next day and exercise when my body needs it.

I now weigh 145 pounds, I’ve fluctuated between 140-145 pounds for the last five years. So I try to remind myself I should be proud that I found a weight that works best for my lifestyle.

If you feel like you’re going through body image issues, I hope you know there’s always help. You’re not defined by your body, but by the abilities you possess that make you unique, sometimes it just takes practice to focus on what makes you inspired.