My Eating Disorder

I’m currently working on a psychology degree, and in one of my courses we learned about eating disorders. This information wasn’t news to me as I learned a lot about them in my kinesology degree, but it struck a chord because I forgot I had one.

The summer before grade 11, I was suddenly struck with a pang in my heart. It scared me, so I vowed to get into shape and started running. There were attempts made in the past to get fit, though I’d stop because I was worried about drawing attention to my efforts. I was an anxious teenager from being bullied, so any sort of attention was horrifying to me.

Despite this, I began running 10 laps around my house every day (acreage). I played with my dog outside. In the school year I gained new friends who were supportive and fun, and I started to become successful in school.

With this I thought, “If working hard will get me the grades I want, I could do the same with my weight.”

I calculated the amount of calories I needed to consume everyday to be 120 pounds. In my head 120 was model weight, and if I could get there, I could wear the cool clothes I wanted, and people would be more inclined to like me. The calculator spit out 800 kcal. To put that into perspective, a “normal” daily intake is 2000 kcal/day. I probably consume around 2500-3000 kcal/day depending on my activity levels.

So with this new goal in mind I began fasting most of the day, and exercised excessively. The worst of it occurred during the summer before grade 12. I would wake up in the morning, have a bagel and a banana, run with my dog, swim in our above ground pool, suntan, have a half bagel and carrots for lunch, eat a granola bar, run with my dog more, have small portions at dinner, eat a small desert, and then run 5k.

I went to bed starving. This feeling was synonymous with success. It meant my body would burn fat, and I would wake up skinny.

Fridays were ‘cheat days’ and I could eat whatever the hell I wanted. On these days I would eat 3 days worth of food in a 5 hour span. I’m talking about a whole bag of chips, chocolate bars, half a large pizza, jumbo bags of M&Ms etc. etc.

I would feel so liberated on these days, but also deeply ashamed. I would stare in the full-length mirror in my bathroom, pull the fat on my hips back, and curse my eating decisions. The next morning I would exercise all day, eating maybe 400 kcal to make up for my binge.

Eventually got to 120 and my lightest was 118. I lost my period, I had terrible mood swings, and worst of all I was upset with all the fat I could see.

In grade 12, my strict control began to slip. I was bingeing more. Just eating a couple unplanned cookies which would set off another binge. This made me gain weight.

I still have my journal from those days. Everyday I wrote, “I need to get to my summer belt loop. I need to be better. I need to stop cheating.” There were parts where I insulted myself, and wondered why I didn’t have the discipline to get back to 120. I got my drivers licence photo after particularly bad week of bingeing. I broke down seeing it because the 130 pound 17-year-old smiling in the photo looked like a 200 pound one. Needless to say, I had body image distortion.

Eventually I learned that what I was doing was unhealthy in university. My health education instructor made us keep a journal about aspects of our well-being. It helped me realize how unhealthy my eating disorder was, and slowly I began eating more balanced diets. Eventually as my metabolism normalized, and I leaned out.

To say I am over my body image issues would be a lie. There are days where I hate my body and wish I could lose weight. However, I am better at challenging my distorted thoughts. Sometimes I eat bad and feel bad, but its not the end. I just eat better the next day and exercise when my body needs it.

I now weigh 145 pounds, I’ve fluctuated between 140-145 pounds for the last five years. So I try to remind myself I should be proud that I found a weight that works best for my lifestyle.

If you feel like you’re going through body image issues, I hope you know there’s always help. You’re not defined by your body, but by the abilities you possess that make you unique, sometimes it just takes practice to focus on what makes you inspired.

My Thoughts on Body Competitions

I struggle with the whole concept of body competitions. I know people receive a great deal of satisfaction and pride from being able to push their minds and bodies to pretty intense limits, which is very similar to what elite athletes do. Athletes need to go through some pretty intense training and diet regimens in order to meet their goals, regimens that the average person couldn’t even dream of or want to accomplish.

That being said, I’m still not fond of the concept of body competitions. I’ve seen a lot of individuals in the past year compete in them, and it’s not that I don’t respect their training, it’s the dieting that reminds me of when I had issues with eating disorders.

The picture above is me mini golfing on a camping trip when I was 18. I thought I was fat. The whole camping trip I jogged for at least 30 minutes every day, avoided snacks like the plague, and swam in the lake for hours every day. I was irritable and angry every time we had a meal which I deemed high in fat. I was a nightmare to take out for dinner anywhere because I didn’t want to eat anything fatty.

I have had pretty much all the major eating disorders. I’ve had binge eating disorder, anorexia, bulimia (I purged with exercise and no food the next day rather than throwing up). I know the thought process of all of those disorders intimately. Thankfully I was journalling during that time, and was able to read and see the decline of my sanity, and the rise of my body image obsession.

So knowing those eating disorders, and researching them heavily after discovering I had them, I see most people training for body competitions engaging in all 3 of those eating disorders. Whether they’re eating a large cheat meal, and purging that meal by exercising extra hard the next day, or cutting their caloric intake to less than 2000 kcal/day while heavily cutting their carbohydrate intake.

I remember how unhappy I was and how mentally unstable I was. Sometimes I’d start crying uncontrollably over how I looked in a photo or start screaming at my Mom for no real reason. That’s because I was low in carbohydrates, your brain’s main source of fuel.

I remember being absolutely obsessed and frustrated with the way my body looked. I used to pinch my fat, pull my hips back, squeeze my tummy, swear at myself for eating a cookie, and obsess over every detail of my body. That was without the added stress of body sculpting.

And for what? Do I feel pride from being so obsessed with my body that I was able to get down to 118 pounds as a 5’7” athletic-built woman when I was 18? No. I’m not.

However, I am grateful I went through that period in my life because now I know the difference between a healthy body image and an incredibly unhealthy one.

Life is about experiences. Things that change you as a person isn’t usually something that brings you the greatest amount of happiness. I find when I’m faced with adversity, that the aftermath of being able to withstand so much stress has given me a fresh perspective on my life. I usually feel much more confident in myself when I come out of a depressive state or a period of uncertainty and negativity.

Maybe putting your body through hell is something that you’ll look back on and have a deeper appreciation of yourself and your body, like how I was with mine. Or maybe it will be something that fuels a life-long struggle with muscle dysmorphia and eating disorders. You can only know your own limits, and I hope those of you competing know them well.

To focus on what your body looks aesthetically is ultimately that’s your decision, and if it’s your passion at the time being, maybe I just need to accept that there’s people brave enough to cut all the tasty goodness in their lives to look damn good in a bikini.